


Regret and Letters

by Silky_Sands



Category: Wings of Fire - Tui T. Sutherland
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Letters, Mallow is Wren's unnamed sister, Self-Hatred, as a heads up, tw for suicidal thoughts and self-harm later on
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-27
Updated: 2021-01-31
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:15:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,641
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29030757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Silky_Sands/pseuds/Silky_Sands
Summary: To help deal with her grief and guilt, Grove suggests to Rowan that writing a letter to Wren might help. She's sure it won't help and is certain that she's not doing it right, but goes through with it anyways. (Takes place around the beginning of Dragonslayer.)
Relationships: Cranberry/Grove/Rowan (Wings of Fire), Leaf & Rowan (Wings of Fire), Rowan & Wren (Wings of Fire)
Kudos: 4





	1. Letter One

**Author's Note:**

> this isn't my typical style of writing but this was part of a prompt on a writing wiki i'm on and i wanted to do something with Rowan because i love her
> 
> and ik i have other things to work on but. feeling kind of inspired for this one and i felt like it'd be better as its own story instead of in my one-shot collection since i'm going to write a bit more for this since. i can relate to Rowan a lot and she's easy for me to write
> 
> (and touching on the tws mentioned in the tags - yes, there will be themes of s//cidal thoughts and self-harm later on. please don't continue if you don't feel comfortable reading works with those elements in them, and please take care of yourself <3)

Dear Wren,

I'm not really sure how to do this. Or if I'm even doing it right? I don't know. Grove said that maybe writing a letter to you would help, so here I am. I doubt it'll help much, but he said it helped when he wrote to his mom, so I guess I'll just have to take his word for it.

I know we weren't close. But I really miss you, even if we never got along that well. Or it might just be me feeling guilty for not being able to save you. I don't know at this point; if I was a better sister, maybe this wouldn't have happened in the first place and you'd still be here. I wouldn't blame you for hating me. Honestly, I hate myself too.

Leaf misses you too. He's been determined to avenge your death since I told him about the Dragonslayer. Was it a good thing? I'm…honestly not sure. He's been pushing himself really hard, enough where I'm beginning to worry a little. It's all he really talks about, and he really doesn't seem to think about anything else. Are you proud of him for trying to do something he believes in? Or would you also be worried about him? This would be so much easier if I had known you better…

Bluebell hasn't been taking your death too well, either. She hasn't wanted to go to the forest and look for butterflies for a while, and hasn't talked to any of us since. Not even Mallow, and Bluebell used to talk to Mallow almost every day. I'm really concerned about her, but she won't talk to me. I feel like she knows that I failed miserably to save you, or that she thinks I was happy to let you get sacrificed. Bluebell probably doesn't know about the whole sacrificing thing, but…it certainly feels like she's blaming me. I'm probably just being paranoid, I suppose.

Mallow's been trying to stay positive, but anyone with a brain can tell she's not doing good. I really don't think talking with Camellia is helping her much, but she seems to be doing better than Bluebell and Leaf. I think I might try talking to her after writing this letter, though she probably doesn't want to see me either.

I bet you probably saw this coming, but…yeah. Camellia. I know you both disliked each other back then, up until everything that happened. And I bet you think that she's glad you're gone. She's not. In fact, she's been the exact opposite. Camellia loathes me entirely and won't speak to me at all since I moved in with Grove, but…I can tell she's feeling…regretful, almost? For all the crap she's pulled on you over the years. Knowing you, I bet you'd probably say "serves her right!" or something along those lines…but I can't help but feel bad, almost. I know she'd hate it if she knew I felt some level of sympathy of any sort towards her, so I'm going to try and hide this from her in case she comes over or something (don't ask why - I don't know why she bothers since she knows I live here…). But if she would let me, I'd remind her that I'd be willing to be there for her. I know I'm a crappy older sister, but…I want to try and make that up to the others. If I can try that with Leaf, then I can try with the rest? I'm not sure, really.

But anyways. I really wish you were still here with us. Maybe if I did something differently, things would be better. Maybe you'd still be alive, and our parents wouldn't keep giving me dirty looks every so often. And maybe our sisters would tolerate us both more.

I might write to you again. I don't know if this is really helping anyone, but…if there's actually an afterlife or something, and you're reading this…I'm so sorry, Wren. I should've done better and I know that. I hope you can forgive me for everything, but I know I don't deserve it.

Your ~~idiot~~ sister, Rowan


	2. Letter Two

Hi again…

I guess writing that letter did help somewhat, since I'm here writing to you again. Or maybe I just…feel really guilty. Probably both.

Maybe you'd want to hear how Leaf's doing? I know you two were really close. He's been chosen as a dragonmancer apprentice. Yeah, I know you hate the idea too. To be honest with you, the two of us hate it as well.

I'm sure his reasons are vastly different from mine. He's still adamant on becoming a dragonslayer - he's been training by himself time to time, too. I'm getting more worried, but the last time I brought it up with him, he just ignored me and said that he "had to do it." I really wish I knew how to help him, but…yeah…

If you're wondering why he's becoming a dragonmancer apprentice, it was mainly my idea - or my fault, if we're being exact. I wanted him to infiltrate them myself, but…I think the dragonmancers have some level of hatred for me, after I tried to interrupt their ceremony. So I asked Leaf to do it. And he's not happy with me about it, either.

So that development is going just _great_.

I've been trying to convince myself that I did the right thing, but…I don't think so. Grove's been trying to tell me otherwise as well, but that isn't working either. I really wish I could believe him, but I can't. What if they do something to hurt Leaf like they did to you? It'd be all my fault again, and I don't think I could forgive myself for letting something like that happen. I can only hope that nothing bad happens at this point, since mom and dad are pleased about it (though in my weak defense, they had been pushing the idea for a while now). Moons, I'm sorry that we got further involved with the dragonmancers in the first place. I can imagine your frustration with us right now, and I can't blame you. If it was up to me, I would've taken Leaf and left the village by now, but…

I still have three other siblings to protect, as well as my friends (yeah, friend _s_ …shocking, I know). I can't just leave them here. I hope you can understand that.

On the bright side, I did make a new friend? Or best friend? That's what she's been saying, anyways. Well, we accidentally became friends, but…that's besides the point. Her name is Cranberry. She's…actually one of the nicest people I've met. Okay, it doesn't seem like it means _much_ considering the majority of the people I've met, but not my point. I haven't told her the whole story yet (or any of it, really), but she might just be the sweetest person I know. She's been so understanding and enjoyable to be around…I think you really would've liked her, Wren. I should probably stop gushing about her, since I don't want you to suffer like you did whenever I talked about Grove.

Bluebell's also been doing a bit better since I last wrote to you. She still doesn't really want to talk to anyone, but she has been taking a few walks lately, and is eating a bit more. I have tried reaching out to her, and I'm pretty sure she didn't want to talk to me, but maybe she's happy that I'm trying to help her out? Maybe? I don't know, but maybe I can fix that if I keep trying…

I'm trying really, _really_ hard to leave this off on a positive note. Things have just been so stressful with the dragonmancers and Leaf, and that's not even touching the whole thing going on with our parents (they aren't…they happiest with me for hanging out with Grove and Cranberry, I suppose - I don't think they'll ever warm up to "those outsiders," as they called them). And I really just want to give up and collapse already. But because I know if I give up now, you'd probably just yell at me…I'll try my best to just make it through tomorrow.

Your just barely managing to survive sister, Rowan


	3. Letter Three

I guess this is helping me out somewhat…

Um. Hey again. Sorry if this is getting ridiculous (it already is but…just let me have this). And that this accidentally turned into me venting to you about all the crap going down in my life. But I really don't think I can really…talk to any of my friends about this. Or at least, just Grove and Cranberry. They'd lose it if they knew what happened today, and I really don't want either of them getting hurt.

I'm really not sure how to explain this, but…I think mom and dad disowned me? Technically? I'm not exactly sure why, but I think it's probably them still being angry that I tried to stop the ceremony. That I can understand, but why didn't they do it sooner? I'm an adult…legally speaking, anyways…and I've been trying to distance myself from them.

And I mean, all I really did was go over to check on Bluebell? I'm not sure how that was the thing I did that went too far.

But there was a lot of yelling before I could check on her. Specifically at me. There was a lot of variations of "why can't you just keep out of your sisters lives like you did before" and "we have the situation under control." And then they kicked me out and told me that I didn't deserve to be a part of a family if I couldn't respect their boundaries.

I guess it was bound to happen at some point. But why can't I stop crying about it? I shouldn't care about what they think, but…

Is this somewhat like the feeling you got when you were sacrificed? Did you feel like everyone wanted you gone when it happened? Did you feel like no one cared? Moons, if only I had managed to stop mom and dad…if only I was a better sister. I really did care about you, Wren. I still do. I'm just…really awful at this family stuff, I guess. It's been really exhausting, more than usual at this rate. I could barely get along with Camellia back when we were young…that doesn't excuse it, but I guess it makes sense. I really wish I had tried to show that I cared better. Especially to you.

I haven't told any of the others about it. Our other siblings, I mean. Bluebell doesn't know, I'm pretty sure. I'm growing more concerned with her by the second - especially since I'm not allowed near our house any more. Maybe I'll try to see if I can catch her while she's taking a walk. Leaf has been too preoccupied with dragonmancer tasks lately, or has been going off to train by himself. I'm still really worried about him, too - he only really talks to me when I prompt a conversation (he's been doing this with my other friends, too). Mallow and Camellia have been doing their own thing lately, so I wouldn't doubt they know anything. Neither of them will probably speak to me either, so I'm not going to try telling them…

This whole thing is my fault, none of it would be happening if I had just…been a better sister. Or if I had hid the book better? Or…if I had just not ratted you out? Maybe it's what should've happened. I know you didn't deserve being sacrificed. Not one bit. It should've been me, if anyone at all.

Moons, I really need to stop crying about this, or else I'll end up soiling this paper…but anyways. I need to finish this letter up before Grove or Cranberry comes in, or hell, even Thyme or Mushroom at this point…I don't really want them seeing me like this.

Your horrible older sister, Rowan


	4. Letter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> note: this is where the warning comes in to play from this point on. i know i mentioned it already, but just a final warning.

I'm not sure how much time I have to write this. But for my own sake, I'll try to get enough of my thoughts down so I can at least fall asleep…

Hey again. I know I say that often nowadays, but I guess it's true. Are you doing alright? I hope so. I can't really say the same for myself, our family, or my friends…

Mom and dad haven't been much kinder since our last argument. I still can't get what they told me out of my head. And I think they're right. I really don't deserve to be apart of a family, do I? After all, I've been an awful sister to every one of my siblings, including you…and every time I tried to get better, I just end up making things worse. And I've always been a disappointment to mom and dad, to be honest…I've always had my suspicions that I was one of their least favourites of us all, but it hurts more than I thought it would to hear them say it out loud.

I'm still not sure how to break the news to Leaf about your death. The truth, I mean. I feel so awful about it, lying to him about the truth. But how would he handle it? Even before he started working for the dragonmancers, I don't think he'd be able to stomach it. But now? I think he'll just hate me for it. And I hate lying to him, but he's the only family I have to really…talk to these days. He's the only one who's willing to give me the time of day. And I don't want to ruin that. But if he finds out, he'll just…hate me for never telling him in the first place. I hate this so much. Neither of you deserved this.

And none of my friends really deserve what's happening to them either - and that's my fault, too. It was my stupid plan to steal treasure in the first place, and now the same thing that happened to you is going to happen to Grove unless we do the dragonmancers' bidding. If I hadn't suggested the idea, maybe Mushroom wouldn't have done this. Grove wouldn't have been taken to be sacrificed. Maybe Cranberry could've focused on finding her troupe instead of getting involved with this. And I wouldn't have risked Leaf's safety in the first place.

No one really deserved this. It's all my fault.

It should've been me instead. If I had taken your place instead, then maybe - no, everything _would_ be better. Everyone would be a lot happier as well, I bet.

You and Leaf would've been together still, Grove wouldn't have to suffer because of me, and our family wouldn't have to deal with such a disappointment…there's probably more I'm missing, but it's getting really late and I don't want to worry Cranberry even more than I already have. I think she's starting to suspect something happened between me and my parents, but hopefully she forgets.

I just…it should've been me who got sacrificed instead. It's not like our parents would care, right? And I'm sure you and the others would've been fine with hearing that sorry excuse that I was eaten by dragons while I was out. No one would even notice, would they? That's what I think, anyways…

Anyways. I need to go to sleep. I don't have time to dwell on this right now, since I want to try and save Grove. Even though it's probably impossible.

The one who should've took your place, Rowan


End file.
